Around the League: Matchweek 16

Besides the return of the phantasmic Emanuel Reynoso to Minnesota United from his self-induced exile in Argentina, match week 16 ended in a pretty boring fashion, with more of the excitement stemming from the midweek matchups. During this stretch, Vancouver beat Houston 6-2, Atlanta and New England draw at three a piece, Inter Miami let in the most FIFA-esc goal you’ll ever see against D.C. United, and Orlando beat the New York Red Bulls 3-0. Here is a recap of some of the league’s most recent actions.

An Orange in Headlights

On Wednesday, the Vancouver Whitecaps blitzed the Houston Dynamo 6-2. There are too many individual goalscorers to just list off, but after 18 minutes, the score was already 2-2. Unfortunately, that was the end of the Dynamo’s luck in the finishing department, as Houston conceded twice more before substitute Nelson Quiñónes was shown a red card. Vancouver scored twice more afterward to put the final score at 6-2. The best thing about results like these from a punditry standpoint is that there really isn’t much to do other than laugh.

88' | @sebaberhalter's first-ever @MLS goal and WHAT A GOAL IT WAS!!!

— Vancouver Whitecaps FC (@WhitecapsFC) June 1, 2023

CHI, ATL, NE Triangle

Continuing in the comedy department, Wednesday’s matchup between Atlanta United and the New England Revolution ended in a 3-3 draw, which comes after the Chicago Fire played both of these teams and finished with the same scorelines. Carles Gil opened the score in the first minute of play, and Bobby Wood grabbed one of his own in the 37th minute. Atlanta responded hard in the second half as Giorgos Giakoumakis, Thiago Almada, and Miguel Berry all scored for United. Carles Gil was not finished yet, though, as buried the ball with class in the back of the Atlanta net in the 93rd minute.

Carles Gil just did that! 🤯

The former MVP cuts the defender and buries it for his second goal to tie the score in the 93rd minute. pic.twitter.com/b8u2MdQRmS

— Major League Soccer (@MLS) June 1, 2023

EA Scripting Gets D.C. Past Miami

D.C. United beat Inter Miami 2-1 at the weekend, but Donovan Pine’s opening goal was certainly a spectacle that only belongs in the 90th minute of a match of FUT Champs given how flukey it was. See for yourself:

A goal is a goal! pic.twitter.com/qr7bZlS7PB

— D.C. United (@dcunited) June 4, 2023

Kamal Miller was shown red just seven minutes in, and both of the remaining two goals came from the 90th minute and onwards. As Miami coach Phil Neville was relieved of his duties just two days before this match, a performance like this (Miami had only 31% possession and four total shots) suggests that the issue at Inter may lie within the personnel and not the coaching staff entirely. Look away, Lionel Messi!

Lion Versus Bull. Lion Wins.

Although a quick Google search tells me that an adult bull should theoretically beat an adult lion in a fight to the death, Orlando City beat the New York Red Bulls 3-0 away from home to work against that potential misconception. Iván Angulo scored just 18 minutes in, but the game’s tone was set after NYRB center-back Andrés Reyes was shown red in the 47th minute. Facundo Torres then proceeded to score a brace which put the concluding scoreline at 3-0 in favor of Orlando. If you’ve made it this far without understanding the reference at the beginning of this article, Orlando’s club crest features a lion and their club nickname is “The Lions”… just trying to spice my writing up a bit.